Expected better from Better Half

Better Half is a coffee and cocktail bar at 406 Walsh St. in downtown Austin.

Bad food. 

Bad cocktails.

Bad wifi.

If this is the better half, I hate to see what state the worse half is in. 

Vegan technology has reached a point where I’ve been spoiled; with so many tasty vegan and vegetarian menus in Austin, I’ve learned to rely on things like “cauliflower tots” to be nutritious and delicious mash-up of two good things. Better Half has reminded me to lower my expectations of vegetables. 

Their cauliflower tater tots are flavorless apart from the taste of how burnt they are, which is probably why they come with a jelly. The jelly is a yum cranberry color – it might’ve even carried the appetizer into “good" territory, if it weren’t for the fact that it tastes like the kitchen ran out of whatever berry the recipe calls for and substituted it with the potting soil it grew from. Seriously, this jam tastes like someone wanted a side with an “earthy and organic” flavor and the chef took it literally.

Yes, I still ate all of it. I paid more than $20 for this experience and my momma didn’t raise a quitter. 

Here’s a photo of the cauliflower tots I ordered. Despite being my worst nightmare, I ate the whole thing. How else am I supposed to provide you with an accurate review, Reader? Don’t thank me.

The cocktail I got was named Uncle Gus. I imagine whoever named this had an Uncle Gus that sat on the porch and drank insecticides because that’s what this was like. I’ve had visceral reactions from hard alcohol, but never a cocktail that costs more than $10. It’s garnished with an herb that drove me into a whole existential crisis. Was it parsley or cilantro? Cilantro has a distinctly sharp taste and smell; parsley is more elusive. This is a mezcal drink – I imagine they were intending cilantro but either my tastebuds were so shocked from the insecticides I couldn’t tell the difference, or the kitchen once again made a substitution from their garden on-the-fly. 

The remnants of Uncle Gus. This cocktail is made from jalapeño-infused Mezcal, cilantro, lime and agave.

I take no pleasure in writing bad reviews –  it’s important to me to use my voice to uplift my community, especially artists and local businesses –  but I also want to save other struggling creatives like myself who post up somewhere for the wifi and scenery, pay their dues in the form of purchasing an appetizer and drink, and ultimately realize it was not worth the splurge.

Inside was packed, so I pulled an Uncle Gus and sat outside to drink my poison on their porch, which was far enough away from their router that the entire experience was moot. I cut my losses and went home.

Better Half: Cute name, good location. Great for tourists who are thinking about moving to Austin but need a reason not to.